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Saturday 15 August 2015

Lacking Creativity & Feeling Empty

Hi. Long time no chat, huh? God, I swear this is the 50th post I've started off similarly to that... But I've come to the realisation that I'm really the only one that probably has noticed. So, where've I been this time? At home. At work. Mostly in bed, to be honest, sleeping and not really wanting to get up. But let's start from the beginning, shall we? I'm not really sure where I want this post to go, but I'm just going to start writing and hope something comes out of it, because I haven't done this in such a long time.

I graduated from high school this past June and ever since then, I've felt... Really off. In the beginning of the summer, I was so relieved and so overjoyed that school was over and that I was having fun with my friends that I didn't really notice anything, but then the excitement started to die down. I was all of a sudden hit with the realisation that the absolute insane past few months were over, that my schedule was no longer completely jam packed with stuff to do, and that I had so much time on my hands. Which terrified me. Leading up to the end of the school year, I was busier than I could have ever expected. I was working part time at the bookstore (up until Mid-May, when my manager gave me some time off because of how busy school was getting,) taking university courses in the evenings four nights a week, interning at the school district office, finishing high school courses, as well as battling through the entire course of History 12 within a month online (it's a long story). So, yeah, the last few months before graduation were rough and that's basically why my last post on this blog was in the beginning of April. Reading was not on the top of my priority list, as essays, homework, studying, work, and other stuff like that had taken its place.

The nice thing about being so busy was that I hardly had time to think. It was like I could almost turn off my brain emotionally and just think more about what I had to do for school, not how I was feeling or anything like that because basically, I had no time. It was so easy to just stop writing, reading, and doing the other things I loved that exercised my mind in an emotional sense, because it was one less thing to do and one less thing to worry about. I was able to kind of shut myself off and just focus on the stress of finishing off high school and everything else. Except, I've learned over the past few years that shutting myself off is not the best thing to do, because that just leads to breakdowns in the middle of the kitchen with my mum wondering what in the hell is going on. And yeah, there were a few of those. But overall, from about April to June, I was hardly thinking about anything substantial or creative and mainly focusing on the issues that had arisen with my university applications, my high school courses getting messed up, my university courses being completely impossible, and whether or not my hair was going to continue falling out in huge clumps. Fun.

But now, it's all over. Prom was amazing but is over, exams and final projects are long past finished, my yearbook is decorated with different colour paragraphs expressing memories and love, and I am now both waiting eagerly for and slightly dreading the 29th of August, the day I fly to Ottawa and move in to my university residence, start my new job, and wait for classes to start. And I'm terrified that my life will get super crazy busy again and I'll have wasted this summer being in a slump and then my creativity will just disappear completely. I'm starting to get a bit better at making myself read at night instead of watching another episode of Switched at Birth, as well as making collages and sketching instead of napping when I know I don't need to. I'm trying really hard to be creatively healthy, if that makes sense, because I know that once Ottawa comes around and I start up everything again, it's going to be really difficult maintaining a balance of work, school, reading, and art, as well as a social life.

So why am I telling you all this? Well, mainly because I needed to get it all out into words and vent a little, but also I needed to explain why I had such an extended absence. I also wanted to say that I'm not sure where this blog is going to end up. I don't want to give it up, but I know how difficult it was to keep it up during grade 12, so I can't imagine it is going to be any easier during university. But I'm going to try. So hello again, for now. I'm hoping I'll talk to you soon.

Happy reading,


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