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Friday, 2 August 2013

TGIF: Cutting Ties

Hey guys! I'm back and this is actually a pretty hard post for me to write as it has to do with some things happening in my personal life, but as it also has to do with books, I thought I'd share what's going on in my strange little head lately with all of you guys and one of the reasons why I've been absent lately from the blogosphere!

In grade 7, a girl in my class introduced me to the House of Night series by P.C. and Kristin Cast. I hadn't heard of them before so I decided I'd check them out and I really enjoyed them for a while (there weren't too many out at that time ;P). Said girl and I bonded over those books and became good friends because of our mutual liking for the series. She said I reminded her of Stevie-Rae so she called me Bumpkin and she reminded me of Zoey, so I called her Z. It was our thing... It was fun, not many of our other classmates really got it, so it was kind of like our little secret. For the sake of this story, I'll call the girl Z, as I don't really want to mention her real name.

Z was unlike any of my other friends. I had a tight core group of friends from elementary school and had made a few new friends the year before during grade 6, but not a lot. I was super shy and nervous around people, so it was hard for me to really get out there and introduce myself to people. But of course, books were the thing that helped Z and I bond. A lot of my other friends didn't really like the fact that I was hanging out with Z and there was a bunch of stupid 12 year old drama but they got over it and it ended up being that one of those friends, who is actually one of my two BEST FRIENDS in the universe, became best friends with Z and then we became our own little trio in grade 8. But then all of a sudden, in grade 9, Z just stopped talking to us and we had no idea why. It's this long story that I still don't really understand, but the point is, I was so hurt and heartbroken that I just refused to see what was happening. I made up excuses for Z and argued with my other friends who were trying to tell me what they were seeing [Z hurting us]. I just didn't want to see it... so I didn't.

Z moved away before grade 10 started and to be honest, I was kind of relieved, while still being so upset. She had been the source of a lot of my pain during the first year of high school, where I would come home on the bus crying almost every day because she would brush me off or ignore me completely. Even her moving away caused drama between my other friends and I. So she was gone... I tried to message her on facebook but she eventually deleted her account without telling us and then I had to find her through her boyfriend's tumblr and so I asked for her email. She and I emailed a few times, but by this point, I could tell that I was the one who was starting the conversations, the one who was trying to carry them on...

Last month, I was clearing out books on my bookshelf that I was going to bring in to my local second-hand store for trading credit. I came across the House of Night series, which I had not read or even looked at since last year. I just wasn't interested in them anymore. I was about to put them all in my box, but then I stopped and thought "wait, no, these are mine and Z's books... I can't trade them. If I don't have these books, Z and I have nothing."

And then it hit me. I had been holding onto these books for so long because I was hoping that they would be the key to renew my friendship with Z. But she got rid of her set a long time ago.

After a few moments of standing in front of my bookshelf, pondering what our entire friendship had been based on. Yes, we started off with these books in common, similar to a lot of friendships with common interests as the base. But after that, we never truly got to know each other that well. Yes, I told her a few things I had never told anyone else, as did she to me, but I can't say I know her.

 So I grabbed the 11 books off of my shelf, (making a ton of room for new ones!!) and put them in my basket. Tomorrow I'm going to go with my mum and trade them for credit at one of my favourite stores and say good bye. I know they're 'just books' but they symbolise a lot to me. Just like Harry Potter symbolises so many of my dreams and a huge part of my childhood, the House of Night series reminds me of Z and our good times and laughs but it also reminds me of the hurt that she brought me and my tears every day after school for months.

She's moving back to town soon and I don't know when she's coming back, but needless to say, I'm nervous. I'm not going to ignore her or be mean or say horrible things about her, but I am going to keep my distance. I'm finally getting better with sadness and I can't have another person bringing it back into my life. I know it will always be there, but if I can reduce the amount of time I spend around people who bring my spirit down, that's what will be best. I'm not going to stop talking to Z completely, as I don't believe that would help anything. But I am not going to let myself get so wrapped up in it all again.
 Z will always be in my heart, but I can't be idolising her anymore. I feel broken when I think of how I treated my other friends in grade 9, trying to defend this girl who was doing exactly  what they were telling me... blowing me off for her other friends and only coming back when they were busy. I can't do that anymore. I refuse.

This is the most personal post I have ever published on this blog and it scares me to no end. But this space is one I feel comfortable in and one where I feel surrounded by friends. The blogosphere lifts me up and I'm excited to get back into posting regularly and sharing more with you all. While this post frightens me, I thank you for letting me share something that is a bit less bookish than usual and if you read all of this, you deserve a medal.

Thank you again,


  1. Maybe you should try to talk to her about what happened back then? I don't know, it may help?

    Bieke @ Istyria book blog

    1. I've tried talking to her before this, but it never worked... It might be a good idea to try again though!

  2. This was such a beautiful post! But, I'm glad in a sense you're moving on. Maybe Z has her reasons for not talking to you anymore. Possibly that she knew she was moving away and didn't want her own hurt.

    But, despite all that, she was still a part of your child-hood. I hope you'll be able to talk to her again but for now, this was a great post!


  3. Thanks for sharing this with us :) I know that sometimes we need to do post like this, it helps us move on with our lives...
    I meet one of my BFF thanks to HON and just like you I keep a special place for them in my heart, however, I haven't read the last two books :(
    I hope everything works out for you and Z, I think you are on the right path and I'm sure things will be great

  4. Such an emotional post. Can I give you a hug?
    I know it wasn't easy for you to lose Z and try to move on. But, life goes on. Friends come and go, but you have your family :)

    I haven't finished reading the HON series. You just remind me to clean up my bookshelves too.

    Have a wonderful day and I'm sure you have a bright future in front of you.

  5. I think it's really brave of you to share yourself like this, and friendships are hard. You have to find the right relationship that fosters both you and the other person; the one with Z clearly didn't do that. I get why you wouldn't want to run into her, heck I avoided people like the plague post my high school experience! I think I converted into a mole person because of how nervous I was to bump into familiar people, afraid that they would judge me for the person I was in high school (immature, a try-hard, insecure), all the short-comings I couldn't get past but that no one else could see.

    Needless to say, high-school wasn't the best thing ever, but I realized that people are always going to be there. They are living their lives and honestly don't give as much thought to us as we do them. This being the case, why should we let them dictate our emotions or the way we live our lives? As long as you are confident in the decisions you have made, that is all that matters. You did what was best for you and you'll probably be a better person because of it :)

    I admire you for not hating Z and hope that even more fantastical series connect you with better friends in future!

  6. Aww *hugs*

    This was so emotional! I love the House of Night series, they're great. That aside, I just want to hug you again and make you feel better. Hope you're ok now <3

    Would love if you could view my blog, I'm new to all of this haha http://storytellershannon.blogspot.co.uk/ xx


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