Hey guys! I'm back and this is actually a pretty hard post for me to write as it has to do with some things happening in my personal life, but as it also has to do with books, I thought I'd share what's going on in my strange little head lately with all of you guys and one of the reasons why I've been absent lately from the blogosphere!
In grade 7, a girl in my class introduced me to the House of Night series by P.C. and Kristin Cast. I hadn't heard of them before so I decided I'd check them out and I really enjoyed them for a while (there weren't too many out at that time ;P). Said girl and I bonded over those books and became good friends because of our mutual liking for the series. She said I reminded her of Stevie-Rae so she called me Bumpkin and she reminded me of Zoey, so I called her Z. It was our thing... It was fun, not many of our other classmates really got it, so it was kind of like our little secret. For the sake of this story, I'll call the girl Z, as I don't really want to mention her real name.
Z was unlike any of my other friends. I had a tight core group of friends from elementary school and had made a few new friends the year before during grade 6, but not a lot. I was super shy and nervous around people, so it was hard for me to really get out there and introduce myself to people. But of course, books were the thing that helped Z and I bond. A lot of my other friends didn't really like the fact that I was hanging out with Z and there was a bunch of stupid 12 year old drama but they got over it and it ended up being that one of those friends, who is actually one of my two BEST FRIENDS in the universe, became best friends with Z and then we became our own little trio in grade 8. But then all of a sudden, in grade 9, Z just stopped talking to us and we had no idea why. It's this long story that I still don't really understand, but the point is, I was so hurt and heartbroken that I just refused to see what was happening. I made up excuses for Z and argued with my other friends who were trying to tell me what they were seeing [Z hurting us]. I just didn't want to see it... so I didn't.
Z moved away before grade 10 started and to be honest, I was kind of relieved, while still being so upset. She had been the source of a lot of my pain during the first year of high school, where I would come home on the bus crying almost every day because she would brush me off or ignore me completely. Even her moving away caused drama between my other friends and I. So she was gone... I tried to message her on facebook but she eventually deleted her account without telling us and then I had to find her through her boyfriend's tumblr and so I asked for her email. She and I emailed a few times, but by this point, I could tell that I was the one who was starting the conversations, the one who was trying to carry them on...
Last month, I was clearing out books on my bookshelf that I was going to bring in to my local second-hand store for trading credit. I came across the House of Night series, which I had not read or even looked at since last year. I just wasn't interested in them anymore. I was about to put them all in my box, but then I stopped and thought "wait, no, these are mine and Z's books... I can't trade them. If I don't have these books, Z and I have nothing."
And then it hit me. I had been holding onto these books for so long because I was hoping that they would be the key to renew my friendship with Z. But she got rid of her set a long time ago.
After a few moments of standing in front of my bookshelf, pondering what our entire friendship had been based on. Yes, we started off with these books in common, similar to a lot of friendships with common interests as the base. But after that, we never truly got to know each other that well. Yes, I told her a few things I had never told anyone else, as did she to me, but I can't say I know her.
So I grabbed the 11 books off of my shelf, (making a ton of room for new ones!!) and put them in my basket. Tomorrow I'm going to go with my mum and trade them for credit at one of my favourite stores and say good bye. I know they're 'just books' but they symbolise a lot to me. Just like Harry Potter symbolises so many of my dreams and a huge part of my childhood, the House of Night series reminds me of Z and our good times and laughs but it also reminds me of the hurt that she brought me and my tears every day after school for months.
She's moving back to town soon and I don't know when she's coming back, but needless to say, I'm nervous. I'm not going to ignore her or be mean or say horrible things about her, but I am going to keep my distance. I'm finally getting better with sadness and I can't have another person bringing it back into my life. I know it will always be there, but if I can reduce the amount of time I spend around people who bring my spirit down, that's what will be best. I'm not going to stop talking to Z completely, as I don't believe that would help anything. But I am not going to let myself get so wrapped up in it all again.
Z will always be in my heart, but I can't be idolising her anymore. I feel broken when I think of how I treated my other friends in grade 9, trying to defend this girl who was doing exactly what they were telling me... blowing me off for her other friends and only coming back when they were busy. I can't do that anymore. I refuse.
This is the most personal post I have ever published on this blog and it scares me to no end. But this space is one I feel comfortable in and one where I feel surrounded by friends. The blogosphere lifts me up and I'm excited to get back into posting regularly and sharing more with you all. While this post frightens me, I thank you for letting me share something that is a bit less bookish than usual and if you read all of this, you deserve a medal.
Thank you again,